Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
