He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Randomize
