Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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