He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Randomize
