i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
