Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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