We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
