Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize