I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
bring money and cleavage
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
