He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
