I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
BRING THE BAGELS
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
