I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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