Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
