my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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