saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
