I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Terrible idea I love it
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
