As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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