I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
