my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
