We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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