The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Randomize
