I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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