I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
