Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
