Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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