She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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