I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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