Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
