I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
