I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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