Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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