miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
a search helicopter?!
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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