you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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