We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
