I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
