I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
