The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
