I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
