literally had 100 drinks last night.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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