Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
only you would photoshop your dick
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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