i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
