He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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