I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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