I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
did i walk over a car last night?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
