Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
