just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
