Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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