So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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