Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
