I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
