You're so nebulous sometimes
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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