i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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