I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
