Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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