I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize