He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
